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Freshly cut roses. Sumptuous Marie Antoinette-style birthday cakes. Vintage Liberty dresses in Strawberry Thief fabric. Shetland ponies. These are some of the ingredients of my Instagram posts featuring my kids. I wouldn’t call myself a “sharent” by any means – someone who overshares their children’s intimate lives on social media in one long, parental “humblebrag”. But whenever I do post, it is picture-perfect. My kids look like they’ve walked straight out of a fairytale. But is it naff? Like tablescaping your kids? A form of digital narcissism? Is it, in its own unique way, a parental kind of “thirst trap”? To an extent, I’m luring others into a fantasy that doesn’t exist. I like to project a wonderfully idyllic life as a single mum... when quite frankly, it isn’t. It’s like when people try to woo their ex-partners back by posting shots of themselves half-naked and having the best time of their lives, despite crying into their pillow heartbroken all day and night. Some mums are professionals at posting perfect dreamy shots of their kids. Look no further than Carrie Johnson, Tamara Ecclestone, Stacey Solomon, and Kate and Rio Ferdinand. For celebrities and influencers, a picture-perfect ideal is the norm on social media – there are lots of cream interiors and matching Christmas jumpers. They might be promoting a homeware brand, or tagging a pram they got for free. Even when it’s tastefully done, like the former PM’s wife’s Instagram, it always gives the impression that motherhood is wondrous. That life is one big, happy Timotei advert. Even when celebrities try to be more candid, it doesn’t work. Mum-of-two Millie Mackintosh, formerly of Made in Chelsea, recently posted a “toddler tornado dump” on her Instagram. “I feel like it’s so easy to always share the nice, polished, life,” she wrote. “Well, today, I’m here to break that pattern.” The glimpse “into the delightful chaos” of Mackintosh’s maternal life included photos of a toothbrush and toothpaste on a bathroom basin, a bedroom littered with hair bows, and a make-up drawer with a few brown concealer stains on it. Really? Is that as bad as motherhood gets? For me, it’s simply more interesting to post magical rather than mundane shots. But why on earth do I want to present my kids as if they’re living in one long, tasteful pastel-coloured dream, where everything looks enchanting? No messy hair. No sleep deprivation. No kids bored out of their minds. I don’t require a filter, either – I’m already looking at life through rose-tinted spectacles, and expecting everyone else to do the same. But am I totally deluded? And, more than anything, could it be damaging to my children? Dr Charlotte Armitage, who is currently the duty-of-care psychologist on ITV’s Big Brother, has big concerns. “First of all, it’s impacting the relationship between the parent and a child because the relationship is contingent on the creation of these images and the number of likes that follow,” she says, adding that when you are “truly happy” with your situation, “you don’t tend to post perfect images”. It’s more important to ask ourselves the question of why we feel the need to present this kind of picture-perfect image of ourselves to the world. Is it because, in reality, we are discontented with our lives? Dr Charlotte Armitage, psychologist As parents, she continues, we are modelling behaviours to our children. “They learn by imitation – if mum is taking photos and seeking validation from likes, the child starts to become validated by these likes themselves and will develop an external focus of control; they will learn that validation comes from what others think of them. This is unhealthy because, throughout life, a child’s self-esteem and self-worth become based on what others think about them rather than how they feel about themselves.” The key, she says, is realising we shouldn’t use social media to fulfil our self-worth. “It’s more important to ask ourselves the question of why we feel the need to present this kind of picture-perfect image of ourselves to the world,” she says. “Is it because, in reality, we are discontented with our lives?” According to research, the average child today has had their image put on social media 1,300 times before the age of 13 – I can see this trajectory for my kids unless I put on the brakes. There are already widespread concerns over the data. In France, an anti-sharing bill continues to be discussed in the country’s senate, and parents could potentially be banned from sharing photos of their children on social media. It could also become mandatory for influencers to admit if a photo or video they posted was retouched or filtered. There is controversy over whether pictures of kids should even be posted online at all, as many are too young to even give permission. How will they feel about the spread of their image in the future? What happens if their identity is stolen – or worse, used by paedophiles? Does it promote a distorted reality of motherhood, compared with which other “normal” mums feel inadequate? And can it backfire on the parents when children’s rights in the digital era are not honoured? “Children tend to be frustrated or critical of the way their parents share images of them,” says Professor Sonia Livingstone, from the department of media and communications at the London School of Economics and Political Science. “Not because they are made to seem ‘perfect’ but because they can be embarrassed, even shamed, in the eyes of their peers. Meanwhile, parents feel hugely under pressure in many ways, both to be perfect parents and also because such images leave parents competing with each other and isolated in their own seemingly inadequate lives.” Dr Cosmo Duff Gordon is the founder of leading addictions clinic Start2Stop, and a psychologist in private practice at Chelsea Recovery Associates. He says that in his 20-year career as a psychologist, he’s “never had a parent sit in front of him and say ‘I’m addicted to Instagram,’” but that’s not because social media addiction doesn’t exist. He puts it largely down to “denial” – “not least since the use of social media can involve so many of the processes that usually characterise classic alcohol or drug addiction”. Denial being the number one culprit. “Obvious ones might be obsession, compulsion, capture of attentional focus and loss of control,” he says. “More subtly, social media use can involve the same sort of self-medication, or escape from reality, that addiction offers – and being a parent is hard. That’s why drifting into a fantasy land can be a relief from the daily grind of motherhood.” Parenting expert Hannah Keeley – aka “America’s #1 Mom Coach” – is more upbeat about mums posting potentially inauthentic photos of their kids. “The hardest truth to accept is that there are some mums who are actually professionalising motherhood to this level,” she says. “Not that they have achieved perfection, but they take pride in their performance as mums and use social media as a way to confirm that to themselves and boost their confidence to encourage their efforts. Should these mums also be obligated to ensure that all mums feel good about themselves, whether or not they have invested in their career to this level? Mums don’t have to be responsible for other mums’ perceptions.” After great debate and reflection, I’ve decided I’m happy with my Insta posts. They might be driven by my background, where my sister and I ran around in white nightdresses as if we had starring roles in Picnic at Hanging Rock. Or because I was conditioned to believe that how we look – even how thin we were – equalled self-worth. I’m not setting myself up to be a supermum. I don’t look at how many likes I get. It’s true that us mums also need to share our parenting experiences honestly, to let other mums know they are not alone. But for now, I’m not doing a U-turn – I’m just living the fairytale dream. Read More My daughter’s horsey hobby makes her happy, but our home now hums If poachers make the best gamekeepers, do siblings make the best babysitters? 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Thanksgiving is only days away, and families all across America are in the midst of building their dinner menus for the feast. While you’re heading to the grocery store to pick up your turkey and sweet potatoes, there’s one aspect of Thanksgiving that’s important to consider while planning out the big day: When will dinner be served? Over the years, Americans have opted to host their dinners at different times, with many families starting the meal at 3pm on the fourth Thursday in November. On the other hand, some people decide to eat dinner as they normally would, by hosting Thanksgiving at 6pm or 7pm. The question of when to have your Thanksgiving dinner may be tied to one major factor - that large meals can make you a bit sleepy. There’s constant discussion surrounding the star of Thanksgiving, turkey, and how it makes you tired. Turkey contains tryptophan, an amino acid in our bodies that helps make melatonin to regulate sleep schedules, according to the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai. There’s no arguing that eating a Thanksgiving meal full of turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes would make anyone ready for a nap. Still, the question remains as to whether the chemicals in turkey actually make us susceptible to tiredness, or whether other factors are at play in our post-meal slumber. Speaking to The Independent, professional chefs have discussed the drowsiness that comes from eating a hefty meal, and how that feeling can affect your upcoming Thanksgiving plans. According to the Cleveland Clinic, tryptophan is an essential acid that’s found in food containing high levels of protein, such as chicken, eggs, cheese, and fish. Since there’s tryptophan in turkey, the amino acid can affect our body’s levels of both melatonin and serotonin, neurotransmitters that control our moods. Speaking to The Independent, California-based chef Brendan Collins acknowledged that the tryptophan in turkey is an amino acid that affects our sleep schedule. However, he clarified that turkey isn’t the reason for the drowsiness, and rather our eating habits on Thanksgiving could be the culprit. “I think the truth is that we can end up overeating on Thanksgiving, in comparison to our normal eating schedule, and we get food comas,” he explained. “We need to sleep because of that. Not because of the small amount of tryptophan found in the turkey itself.” John Carpenter - an executive chef at Signature Restaurant at La Cantera Resort and Spa in Texas - agreed that stuffing our faces with food on Thanksgiving may be more likely to blame for our tiredness. He noted that it’s easy to feel sleepy after a big meal and specified that a range of foods and beverages can contribute to the drowsiness, from pumpkin pie to wine. “Thanksgiving dinner is quite heavy, between stuffing and large amounts of meat we eat, whether that be turkey or ham,” he explained. “It’s also usually surrounded by friends and family, and there’s some alcohol drinking usually involved, which isn’t exactly known to keep us awake.” With the side effects of eating a big Thanksgiving meal in mind, chefs have shared their advice on when to plan your dinner. It’s important to note that the day before Thanksgiving can be relatively busy, from buying your ingredients to decorating your home. In addition to managing physical tasks, Carpenter said there’s another routine he usually takes on to prepare for the holiday - changing up his eating habits. “For me personally, I definitely prefer to change my eating schedule, leading up not only the day of Thanksgiving, but also a couple of days before,” he said. “I always eat a little bit lighter, leading up in anticipation of a big meal. And personally, I normally don’t even eat breakfast on Thanksgiving because I know I’m going to eat so much.” The morning of Thanksgiving tends to be quite hectic, so Collins urged families to give themselves enough preparation time before dinner. He recommended giving yourself a good two and a half to three hours of cooking time, when you can prepare all your vegetables while the turkey is in the oven. So, when is the best opportunity to serve the food to your guests? Professional chefs recommend the daytime, rather than evening, as the best time to host your dinner, taking both meal preparation time and drowsiness into account. “Normally for me, it’s early in the afternoon or early in the day,” Carpenter explained. “I have two children so I prefer earlier because it gives us the rest of the day for them to wind down from a big meal and all that. And then you have more time during Thanksgiving day to be with your family.” When you decide to host your Thanksgiving dinner is entirely up to you, but Collins acknowledged that the age of your guests is another factor to consider. He noted that children are generally accustomed to having their meals earlier in the day, even though that might not be the case for adults. “I think if there’s a lot of children under 10 years of age, having your dinner at 2pm or 3pm would be good,” Collins said. “If it’s more towards the adult scene, then I think it’s more of an early dinner, late lunch kind of thing. I’d personally go for 4pm or 5pm.” Thanksgiving aside, studies have found that late-night dinners may not be the best idea. In a 2022 study published in peer-reviewed journal Cell Metabolism, researchers examined 16 patients who were overweight and obese as they ate the same exact meals on two schedules - one group eating as late as 9pm. Results showed that eating later had a large effect on how patients regulated their “energy intake, expenditure, and storage”. Since there’s so many different types of food served on Thanksgiving, eating dinner on the earlier side could ultimately be better for your physical health. “Personally, I know you shouldn’t be eating a huge meal later at night, especially the size of a normal Thanksgiving meal,” Collins added. “So definitely give yourself the time for your food to settle down.” Although there are various factors to consider when planning the timing of your Thanksgiving dinner, it’s important to remember not to let the stress of it ruin the day. “Don’t stress out too much about the food,” Collins said. “I know sometimes Thanksgiving is one of the first times you’ve seen friends or family in a long time. So I think the idea is that it’s celebratory, and make sure you do that. Buy really good wine or champagne and enjoy yourself.” Read More 10 Thanksgiving traditions and where they come from Two dishwashers? To be truly middle class you need two kitchens... How ‘dine and dash’ became the new shoplifting – and why we’re all paying the price Two dishwashers? To be truly middle class you need two kitchens... How ‘dine and dash’ became the new shoplifting – and why we’re all paying the price The French have rules, and they have camembert rules – mess with them at your peril

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